It is the story of Rich Mullins, the singer/songwriter probably best known for his song, Awesome God. I had never known any of his story. Other than a few of his songs, I knew nothing about him.
In this angst-filled movie, his father is harsh and distant. A cold disciplinarian who never said "I love you." He was constantly critical and not supportive of Rich, even when he was famous and touring. Near the end of the movie, you see the father try to call, and you do see snippets of him trying to be fatherly toward Rich, but he cannot speak when Rich answers the phone, and he drives away when it is obvious Rich wants to talk after a particularly moving concert. The viewer has the impression that Rich never knew his father even tried. Rich was told his father loved him by others, but never heard it or anything directly supportive from his father. There were times of acceptance, but never support or true understanding. There was always a 'felt' criticism, even if it was not stated.
This dysfunctional relationship between father and son forms the backbone of the movie. Rich struggles to please his father and similarly wrestles with understanding God as a loving father who might be pleased to call him 'son'. He spends a lot of time desperate for a good father-figure. He talks and reflects on how this blurred the way he saw God.
He finds a girl in college, and gets engaged to her. It seems life is going to change.
But ultimately he is pushed away from her by the choices they both make. This is, of course, a severe disappointment, and another defining moment in his life.
When times get rough, Rich often turns to alcohol and other self destructive behaviors in his quest to escape the hard times and depression. Although he does manage to find some older men who really help him, Rich is lonely and hurting throughout most of the movie. Disrespectful and mistrusting of authority, he constantly goes AWOL and has trouble fitting in. Ironically, he becomes quite the authoritarian with others on tour with him.
From the movie website,
‘Ragamuffin’ is based on the life of Rich Mullins, a musical prodigy who rose to Christian music fame and fortune only to walk away and live on a Navajo reservation. An artistic genius, raised on a tree farm in Indiana by a callous father, Rich wrestled all of his life with the brokenness and crippling insecurity born of his childhood. A lover of Jesus and a rebel in the church, Rich refused to let his struggles with his own darkness tear him away from a God he was determined to love. As he struggled with success in Nashville and depression in Wichita, Rich desired most of all to live a life of honest and reckless faith amidst a culture of religion and conformity.Here is my take-away:
This talented musician wanted desperately to please God. He was a student of the Bible, even as a youth. It became his solace. He loved God. He knew he was a Christian. Yet he struggled to know God, to understand God. Throughout the movie, he struggled to love himself and therefore could not "get" that God loved him. He was profoundly moved to realize that Jesus really, truly loved him.
And it is profound. We sing it in a children's song, but it is one of the most profound tenants of our faith.
However, one of the reasons it is a children's song, is that it *is* a basic tenant of our faith. On the way to pick up my son from work last night I heard a man on the radio talk about this very thing. That Jesus loves us, that God desires a relationship with us, is the foundation and beginning of faith. Oh, so important! But spiritual maturity means we grow from there. We know God loves us, we accept the gift he has given. Then we become students of the word. We come to know of God. And finally, as we mature, we come to know God. Not just knowing about him, but knowing Him - the creator, author and finisher of our faith. Having an intimate relationship with our heavenly father. This is the maturity we strive for. But at times seems so unattainable.
And therein is my 'takeaway' from the movie. The thing that hit me so very much is the baggage that held him back. How authentic was his faith. How 'real' his music and his talks. But oh. so. dark. So very, heavy and weighed down with his past. With baggage.
In the movie, Rich's "baggage" with his earthly father blocked his relationship with his heavenly father. It wasn't until he dealt with that baggage that he finally began to feel"free" -- in his own words. (And we feel a collective sigh from the audience.)
Can you relate? Don't we all? Perhaps not to the degree that Rich did. Perhaps we do not claw and fight against depression and loneliness. Perhaps our baggage has not driven us to drink and in turn damage every relationship in our lives. But nevertheless, don't we all have baggage that holds us back?!
In the movie Rich meets a man, a preacher and recovering alcoholic, Brennan Manning, who tells him about being a Ragamuffin. A ragamuffin is a person who knows they are broken and messy, and in need of a savior.
“The sinners to whom Jesus directed His messianic ministry were not those who skipped morning devotions or Sunday church. His ministry was to those whom society considered real sinners. They had done nothing to merit salvation. Yet they opened themselves to the gift that was offered them." ~Brennan ManningSo, knowing our baggage holds us back, how do we unpack the baggage? How do we let it go?
I know a man who constantly astonishes me. He is an amazing Christian. I once heard his mother say "we never got too close to [him] because he was kind of sickly at birth. We figured he would die." Like Rich's father, his parents didn't say "I love you" - maybe not ever, certainly not that I ever heard. They spoke about him in third person. He doesn't have a lot of pictures (especially compared to his younger brother and sister) from when he was young. To add to the injustice, he was treated badly (I'm talking today there'd be lawsuits and jail time) by a youth minister. His family has been slandered, and neighbors have done him wrong. And there are other little things along the way of life that have happened. Yet he seems to have little or no baggage.
How is it that he is not a bitter old man? Why did he not turn to alcohol or other vices? How did he deal with and unpack that baggage? Why doesn't he hold a grudge? Why does he accept himself and feel his own worth even though his parents didn't? Why isn't he more like Rich and so many others I know whose baggage define them?
I'd like to explore that. How it it that some of us hear a criticism or experience failure and latch on to it like a drowning rat finding a floating log? And others see it as a road sign and take the other lane?
One thing is that this man I know got the girl. They married while she was still in high school. 50 years ago. 50 years. They are still best friends. They go shopping together, and hold hands in public. They have worked together for over 30 of those years. They are both strong Christians whom I'm blessed to know. A good wife is important. To find some one who loves and supports you, who values you for you, even when they know all the yucky side of you -- oh, what a gift! It isn't that she was perfect or baggage-free. Her father died when she was 4. Her mother worked and she practically raised her siblings. Dirt poor, step family, dysfunctional. But they worked through it all together. I think that is a major factor -- someone who loves you and is willing to unpack the baggage with you.
She told me how she has worked through some of their issues -- long walks with God. They live out in the country. She still takes walks often. While she walks she talks to God.
And as importantly, she quiets herself to let Him speak to her. She has a healthy prayer life and she can easily be found in study of the Word. But more than knowing what it says, she listens to it -- takes it in, takes it to heart and lives according to it. They both do that. They both have allowed scripture to permeate their beings. It changes hearts, and it melts baggage. And it helps to develop that intimate relationship with God that is a sign of true maturity.
In the movie, Rich is told to write a letter to Rich from John (his father). He broods and struggles over this letter but finally is able to put into words why others told him his father loved him. How could it be? How can a critical man love the one he disciplines and criticizes? It is a beautiful scene. And it is a great suggestion. Perhaps your baggage is best unpacked on paper. Write a (love) letter to yourself from the person who has wronged you. What can God say through them to you?
Perhaps you need to back up, though. Perhaps it is a feeling of unease that you have yet to define. I am fond of the saying, "it is what it is." It is so much easier sometimes to see the baggage other people carry around than our own. And unless we see it, define it, admit it and own it, we can't get rid of it. This may take some effort. Especially if the issue is with another person. Getting the person to tell you what it wrong is hard. Sometimes they can't define it either and they may have a series of events that hurt them, but even after discussing and apologizing and working through the events you still know you have not gotten to the issue. Sometimes you just have to do what you can and let it be enough. Even if it isn't completely resolved. The person may have died or refuses to talk. Maybe your ex is an avoider and bringing up the past makes them so uncomfortable they just can't do it.
Sometimes when we go to unpack issues, there may be some real mental illness at work. If it is mental illness on the part of another person, the first step might be to learn more about their condition. When you come to understand where they are coming from, you may be able to let go of the hurts and wrongs they have done. I have had to be around a person with mental illness who struggled to keep on her meds. When she was off her meds she was rude, bitter and hateful. She lost touch with reality and often convinced herself that an alternate event somewhat loosely based on reality had occurred. In that kind of situation, finding closure and coming to an agreement about things that happened is next to impossible. She really did believe events happened differently. She "remembered" them happening differently. No talking, arguing or discussing would change her mind. It would only frustrate her because you were lying to her. Setting boundaries and always having a friend (witness) with you can help you keep when dealing with them. But in the end, resolution will most-likely only come within yourself.
If the illness is within you, do not hesitate to get help. It was quite obvious in the movie that Rich Mullins had at times severe depression. I wonder if anyone ever defined and diagnosed Rich's depression. Did he take medication? If not, would it have helped? Dealing with mental illness is hard. When it is you, and you see it, and can recognize you need help, that is a wonderful thing. Help is available. Modern medicine, therapists and counselors can really help. Perhaps you need to see a professional. Don't be shy about it. Get help. Don't feel guilty, embarrassed or afraid. If you were coughing up a lung, you'd go see a doctor, right?
Which reminds me of another way to unpack baggage -- talk to someone.
Now, I'm not talking about blurting out and spewing all your past baggage in front of the ladies' class you are visiting for the very first time. OK?! That may not be the vest venue and may not get you the help you need. Although it is likely to get you attention. You will be remembered. No, those poor ladies won't know what to do at all. One might try to help, but most will just be flustered to know the intimate details of your life when they don't even know your name. I mean talking to a friend who loves you and will be honest with you -- who can help you be accountable to an action plan -- now that is a real workable idea. Talking to a counselor, pastor or therapist can help you not only define a your baggage but also deal with deep-set hurts and issues.
I was once on a ladies' retreat and we did the neatest exercise. The retreat was a a beautiful lake house with lots of land and a long walking trail. We were given tiny ,beautiful bags and the first night filled the bags with rocks symbolizing our baggage. We carried them everywhere. Even small bags of rocks get troublesome and annoying. The next day after our Bible study, we walked with our rocks. We talked to God about them. We spontaneously broke into small groups of two or three and we prayed over those rocks. The, as we came back to the house, we threw them into the lake, Gone. They were gone. There was no getting them back. It was awesome. Yes, it was symbolic, but so many real cares and burdens were thrown away that day. Maybe you need to have a touchy-feely-symbolic gesture to help you rid yourself of the baggage you carry.
I've seen people write their sin, hurts, issues and whatevers on paper and literally nail it to a cross, lay it at the foot of a cross and even burn them in a fire. Sometimes doing something symbolic in the physical world can help us get it done in the mental or spiritual world.
What will it take? How will you get to the next level? How will you get rid of some baggage this week? Fee free to share your ideas here. Someone reading this may be looking for a way to take the next step toward freedom.
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