Smidgen of Control

I'd like to be a control freak.

I'd like to think I have a tiny smidgen of control over things that happen to me.

I don't.

I really don't. I plan and plan - but things just happen.

Usually, I just roll with it. Controlling what I can. Maybe trying to control too much. Perhaps if I didn't WANT to be such a control freak things would not frustrate me when they don't work out.

I have been feeling so out of control lately. How about you? Are all your ducks in a row?

I deal with a fair amount of chaos. I have six kids, four still at home. Try that on if you think you are in control. ha! You can't control kids.

And there sure is no illusion that we can control some other adult in our lives. Right!? We just had our third child turn 18. We have been talking about the things that have to happen now just so we can help her navigate her last year of homeschool. If she wants to take college classes, I can pay for them, but I can't get grade reports or talk to the business office without her consent.

Talk about a surreal lack of control.

It is the same with doctor's offices. I can pay the bill - and sure enough, they still have my hubby and I listed as the responsible party - but I can't go back with our "adult" children or talk to the doctor about them without their written consent. Same at the pharmacy, the DMV, and any other agency.

No control!

Her birthday is just a reminder. As if I needed one.

This past month has been so completely out of control. My crazy train has decided to jump the tracks and go off-roading!

Seriously!

We are postponing the retreat scheduled at our house - again. NOT my fault. Crazy things going on here. Like, you-can't-make-this-stuff-up, crazy. But the calendar is full, I don't know when we will get to have it. I don't WANT to reschedule.

I can sit here and fume about the perfect weather, the food I bought, the hours cleaning and my already full calendar, etc. I can wish things were different. I can want them to be different, but they are not. I can't control so many things.

Just me.

What is that verse I quote to my kids all the time, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

So what do we do when our world is out of control? When events don't happen? When schedules are too full and tings are falling apart? When school isn't done and spring beckons us outside? When people don't get well quickly enough or at all? When we are floundering?

Here is some things I have done recently to help me.

Own your mistakes. This one is hard. But sometimes my life sucks because I have seriously screwed up. Owning up to failures and mistakes brings clarity.

"I handled that situation poorly." "Now, what?" Face the consequences. I've had some pretty big failures lately. I tend to imagine the worst consequences. For example, when they were little and my kid bit another child in preschool class. I tend to think the other parents will want us to drop out of the class. I brace myself for the worst possible consequence. Usually, other people give me much more grace than I deserve. I am grateful they see my ugliness and still love me. [I try to do the same for them. Funny how we seem to be harder on ourselves than we would ever be on others.]


Don't bottle it up. I'm a verbal processor. I need to talk it out or write it out. When I'm mad, I write. I list all the things that frustrate me about the situation.

When the situation erupted about having to move the retreat, I called a friend and ranted/vented. We have this thing, she and I, where one of us calls and may or may not say, "I need to vent." Sometimes we just know it without saying it. We get to say stuff we won't be judged on. We get to process verbally. The other one gets to listen with understanding and sympathy and then give Godly perspective. Everyone needs a friend like that! [Thanks, D.]

My husband has to think it through. He has to have space and time to process before talking. [Can you see how this sometimes gets us into trouble?] He travels for work, so he gets lots of thinking time, but he used to have "me time" where he could just go and be away. To be alone, even from me, to think and process. I don't "get" that - but I respect it just like he respects that sometimes I call him when it is 6 am his time because I need to process. :-)

Just do it! I love that slogan - and yes, I am OK with knowing that it dates me.

When I was much younger with many young children, I mentioned to my mother-in-law that I had way too many things to get done. She smiled, put her hand on my arm and leaned in close. "Make a list and just do it." She said. She said it in such a matter-of-fact way that I believed her when she finished with, "You'll get it done." What a beautiful word of encouragement and practical advice from a sage woman. Over the years I've heard it many times. She says it about the list of home improvement projects I want to do, about the vacation plans I want to make, etc. She cocks her head to the side and says, "Make a list."

We can whine about the situation and do nothing, or we can make a list and do the things that need to be done. It works.

My dad is taking an extremely long time to recover from surgery. Months longer than expected. What can I control? I can't make him get better faster.

But I can do something. We made time to go see him in the hospital, the rehab place, and the skilled nursing place. Now that he is home we have changed plans to go to his house instead of somewhere else with him because getting him out is very difficult. Do I hate that he is in a wheelchair and can't get out much? YES! Did I hate being in a small room with a bunch of kids being too loud and with sick, germ-y people everywhere around us? Yes. Seeing him beats whining about it every time. Every single time. Doing beats complaining.

Figure out the plan and do it.

Find your new normal.

As my calendar exploded (I changed phone and accidentally dropped/missed several events and activities.), one thing I did was start a bullet journal. I'll post more about it later, and post pictures. It makes me happy and calmer to plan this way.

Let me tell you, it fits me.

It is colorful and pretty, but at first glance, it looks like pure chaos. I kid you not. But I planned for the chaos and have a unique system of organizing it that makes it expandable and flexible while still small enough to fit in my purse. I can't wait to show you. Next time.